Buying Pretzels. And apples.

I really miss buying pretzels. I really do. And apples. I miss buying apples. Every week I walk by those sections in the grocery store so filled with longing and sadness and I think, I really miss buying those things. They were two of Colin’s favorites. Dave and Will are not big fans of pretzels and I don’t have the heart to buy them just for me. There is just so much to miss, so much that is lost when your child dies. Everyone has the fancy term for it called “Secondary Losses” but I just call it, I miss buying pretzels. Secondary losses are so much more than just losing people. It is more than that.

I miss Colin’s friends and seeing them and how much they grow and learn and laugh and care for him. I miss having a 19 year old and seeing what his life brings his way. I miss friends I had that no longer can relate to me and are gone. I miss Colin’s best friend that was like a second son to me, but is gone too. I imagine it is hard for him to be in our house with Colin gone. Because it is hard, really hard. I miss friends I made at Chop that I can’t see any more. I miss the lady at the Einstein bagel place at Chop that we knew since week one, when she was the one that delivered Colin’s food from the cafeteria and then she moved to the new building and would make his drinks and bagels before clinic. I miss the ladies at the check in desk that every week I laughed with, that always said hello and had my tag ready for me before I asked for it. They always said hi to Colin and talked with him too. I hope they think he is just better and no longer needs Chop, not that he died- that would make them so sad.

I miss the higher water bill. I miss the higher electric bill. I miss buying four movie tickets. I miss there being no food left overs. I hate leftovers now. I miss running out of apples and complaining how fast Colin ate them, sometimes 3 or more a day. I miss empty bags of pretzels with little bits of salt laying in different spots, like a mark saying “Colin was here.”

I miss his doctors that cared for him. I miss his nurses that laughed with him. I miss his social worker that always checked on him. I miss his triage nurse that always joked with him and knew he needed his blood pressure taken on his left arm and not his right arm. I miss the environmental lady that cleaned his room, her son is now in high school and I hope he is doing well. I miss the check out lady in the cafeteria that was always so patient with me when I counted out change to pay. I miss the parking guy who understood why I lost my ticket to pay because we had been so long inpatient.

But it is so much more. I miss listening to music that Colin exposed me too. I miss new shows and movies that I have no idea exist because he isn’t telling me about them. I miss funny comedians he knew about. I miss learning about physics and astronomy because nobody talks about that anymore. I miss that every time he got in the car, he turned on my seat warmer. I miss washing his clothes and pairing his socks. I miss clothes shopping with him, he had such a good sense of style. I miss Colin with all of heart and soul but it is so much bigger than that.

When you lose a child, you lose so much more. It’s unbearable sometimes. I still have one snack bag of pretzels in the snack cabinet. I just can’t bring myself to throw them out. They are long stale but I can’t do it. I just miss buying those damn pretzels so much.